Road to Atlantis
by Bobby South
Summary: When Meg gets lost at sea, Stewie and Brian lead a rescue party. Meanwhile, Peter and Joe face trouble when they hurt Lois and Bonnie.
1. Good Riddance!

Vacation time came for the Griffins at the Pacific Ocean. Carter and Babs Pewterschmidts bought a whole cruise that was marked down for that year for them, but the Griffins still had the crew, the waiters and the toilet cleaners. Peter became the Captain of the cruise, naming it _Captain Peter_.

The Griffins were joined by their friends Joe and Bonnie Swanson and Quagmire (who brought an army of hookers with him). Peter asked Cleveland Brown to come, but he was in Norwary with his new wife Donna Tubbs and their children skiing, skating, sledging and sun-bathing in the snow.

From day one, everyone was enjoying themselves. Peter was enjoying speeding in the speedboat and everyone was enjoying his speeding. "Yee-hah!" he cried. "This is just like in the movie _Speed 2_."

"Except it was a cruise that was in trouble, not a speedboat," Brain corrected him.

"Shut up, Brain!" Peter snapped at him. "Who gives a damn, like a rich person meeting his or her school friends?"

_There was once a rich couple happily living in a mansion and making good money. Then one day the doorbell at their house rang and they opened the door to find each of their friends they were at school with._

_"What do you want?" the husband demanded to know. "You think just because I'm rich, I'm gonna give you some of my money?"_

_"Piss off, you poor, low-class, no-right-to-speak losers!"shouted the wife, slamming the door in their faces. "Well, I'm gonna go online and order lots of dresses," she told her husband walking away._

_"Well, I'm gonna go to my study and drink about fifty bottles of whisky," the husband said, walking the other way._

Peter drove his speedboat very fast through rocky waves and everyone was celebrating. Everyone that is, except Meg, who was water-skiing behind the boat. The sea was too rough for her, the hot sun was burning her and, worst of all, because everyone was drinking alcohol and talking to each other, her loneliness was picking up.

"Dad, could you slow down?" she shouted. "It's a bit rough! Dad! DAD!"

But still no one heard her at all. She felt like she didn't exist at all in this world.

Peter took the boat through giant waves. "This is just like _The_ _Perfect Storm_, with George Clooney!" Then he heard screaming from Meg. "Shut up, Meg!" She kept on screaming. Then he looked at a tape and had an idea. "How about a little music, everyone? A song to accompany us on the sea?" Everyone said yes. He put the tape in and it played _Let's Go Fly a Kite_ from _Mary Poppins_. It didn't seem to please the rest of his friends, but Peter was singing loud and long with it and he enjoyed it. It stopped him listening to his pathetic daughter screaming her head off.

* * *

Later, Peter took the boat back to the cruise and everyone got off. Only Brian stayed behind to make sure the boat was properly put away. He went to put the water-ski cable back in the boat and then he realised there was no Meg!

"Meg! Meg! Oh, my god!" he cried as he looked around the speedboat only to find nothing. He grabbed goggles and dived in the sea. He quickly searched the sea, but couldn't find anyone. He caught the surface and caught his breath back.

"You looking for someone to rescue to be a brave and heroic dog?" asked Stewie, who was just standing there next to him.

"Well, yeah, in a way," answered Brian. "We lost Meg when we were out on the boat!"

"Well, good riddance!" smiled Stewie nastily. "Just like those horrible years with Bush as the president."

Brian climbed back onto the cruise. "We gotta find her. I've got to call the police, the sea rescue, everything."

"No, not everything, Brian," interrupted Stewie. "You need only one thing."

"And what's that?"

Brian got his answer when Stewie took him to the basement of the cruise. "Behold!" the baby genius announced as he pulled up the blanket of a large thing underneath it.

"Wow! I have never seen such a... tight, ugly, cramp and crap submarine in my life, Stewie!" Brian was looking at rough-shaped, poorly painted, non-shining submarine. He then got a slap in the face by Stewie, who was wearing a captain's uniform.

"That's _Captain_ Stewie of the _Stewarine_ to you, cabin dog!" snapped Stewie. "Now get on board!" he ordered.

Brian sighed, opened the hatch of the submarine and got in. Brian was more amazed by the inside than the outside, because it was bigger, it was more colourful, it was less hazardous and so on.

"Wow, Stewie," smiled Brian. "How did you get inside bigger than the outside?"

"Why should I give my secrets away, if _Doctor Who_ won't?" the baby captain asked.

"Oh, okay, well, I'm ready when you're ready to go."

"Okay, man the helm," ordered Stewie.

"Aye, sir," whispered the talking dog moodily, as he took the helm.

Stewie fiddled with the controls and the submarine was released into the water and the search party for Meg began.


	2. Searching for Evidence

Well, the _Stewarine_ hadn't been going very far. But with all the work Brian had to do, he felt exhausted.

"Look, Stewie, are we anywhere close to finding them?" Brian moaned.

"Wow, you've been working for only half an hour and you're tried already?" Captain Stewie was amazed. "You know, if you get tired easily, I'll only give you more work!"

"Oh, no, no!" Brian begged, putting on the biggest happiest smile he could ever put on. "I'm happy and I'm enjoying this work." He picked up a feathery duster and started dusting the bookshelves. " Just whistle while you work – "

Then an alarm wailed. "Oh, we'll have picked up some evidence!" cried Stewie as he walked back to the cockpit, followed by Brian. "The readings say it's a match, all right. A crab volleyball match! Look!"

Brian and Stewie turned to the video screen to see some crabs playing volleyball with a shell. One crab falls over and breaks all its legs.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "That's painful! It hurts!"

The referee blew on its seashell whistle. "Time!" he shouted. "Medic!"

"Oh, look!" laughed Stewie, watching with keen interest. "Are you watching this, Brian? It's awesome! Awesome!"

Brian just looked at him with annoyance. "Yeah, you're right," sighed Stewie. "We must be off course."

Then the alarm wailed and the screen showed a pink woolly hat.

"That's Meg's hat!" Brian pointed out.

"Right, let's go in for a closer look!" ordered the baby captain.

* * *

The _Stewarine_ parked on the sea bed and Stewie and Brian, wearing aquanaut suits, walked out onto the sea bed.

"Don't tell me _you_ made these aquanaut suits as well," Brian said, getting used to it.

"You think just because I'm a baby and I'm very little that I don't have a big brain or an intelligent mouth?" Stewie snapped.

"No, not at all!" protested Brian. Then he whispered, "Neither do I think have those things you think you do."

Soon they came up to Meg's hat. They all had a search near the area. Then Stewie picked up a pair of glasses. "I've found Meg's glasses," he shouted to the white dog, who had found Meg's hat.

Then Brian smelled something through his breathing equipment something so he walked further and picked up a pink thong lying on the sea bed. He brought it to the end of his nose and smelled it. "Yep, these are certainly Meg's. They have been on her ass, I'm sure of it."

"Can you leave your gross comments out of this?" snapped Stewie. "It's too gross to vomit in this."

"I'm just pointing out that whatever's left of Meg must be in that direction," Brian said, pointing out to where he was facing.

"All right, let's get back to the _Stewarine_ and continue in that direction," the baby captain ordered as they walked back to the submarine, only to see it fall down into pieces all onto the sea bed.

"What the hell just happened?" shouted Brian angrily.

"I don't know!" protested Stewie. "What happened when I asked you to check all the nuts and bolts? Every one of them!"

"Wait a minute! You never ordered _me_ to check everything!" Brian snapped back. "Besides it's up to the Captain to check everything. What do _you_ when I work my tail off?"

"Oh, _you_, the cabin dog, are telling _me_, the Captain, how to run my ship?" snapped Stewie.

Then they heard some music in the background. They looked to see the Yellow Submarine with the Beatles inside it, playing _Yellow Submarine_.

"Hey! Hey!" Stewie and Brain cried and waved their arms in the air. "Over here!"

On the Yellow Submarine, Ringo put his head out and stamped a sign on it saying, "No vacancies allowed!" Then the submarine just vanished.

"What the f***!" Brian shouted. "Oh, this is just... great!" he yawned.

"I think it's time for a nap too," yawned Stewie and began to lie down as if he was in his cradle.

"Oh, no, Stewie!" yelled Brian sleepily. "You mustn't sleep! _I _shouldn't either! Oh, who gives a damn?" Then the dog fell down and slept like he was in a dog basket.


	3. Betrayal

No one on _Captain Peter_ seemed to notice that Stewie or Brian, let alone Meg, was gone that night.

Stewards and Quagmire's maids were busy running back and forth carrying beers, food and baby potties for Chris so he wouldn't block the toilets with his own business.

Peter, Joe and Quagmire were busy getting too drunk with beer. Unfortunately, Peter had too much to drink! He managed to get up and the paper bag ready, but he threw up on Quagmire!

"Peter, what the hell?" Quagmire shouted angrily. "This is my best shirt!"

"Well, now it's your best shit!" laughed Peter.

"Very good one, Peter!" laughed Joe.

Quagmire sighed and got up to walk out.

"Hey, Asian slaves, more beer!" Peter groaned.

Meanwhile, Lois, wearing a pink bikini, and Bonnie, wearing a purple bikini, were on the sun decks reading magazines.

"Ah, this is the life," sighed Bonnie.

"Yeah, it sure is nice to have someone else to serve us," agreed Lois. "This is so refreshing just like when _Toy Story_ was released in 1995."

"Say, Lois, you want to go for a swim?"

"Right behind you." And so the girls dived in the pool and cooled down. They climbed on the floating rings and looked at the beautiful night stars.

"Say, Bonnie, I can see Pegasus!" Lois sighed. "You would have thought we were in Greece.

"I can see Aquarius!"

"Oh, look, Lynx!"

"Draco... Malfoy on a broom!" Bonnie was right. There was Draco Malfoy, being followed by Harry Potter.

"PETER!" Lois screamed, falling into the pool.

"Lois, what's the matter?" asked Bonnie. She looked ahead and saw something that made her fall into the pool. Peter and Joe were having sex with Quagmire's Asian girlfriends.

"Thank you, love," smiled Peter. "Now it's the next one's turn." The next one would be Lois. "Hi, Lois, come to have sex with me? Has watching these hot girls made you feel jealous?"  
Lois slapped him in the face.

"Ohh," Peter growled sexily.

"PETER, WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX!" Lois snapped. "YOU'VE HURT ME! MORE THAN A MUGGER STABS PEOPLE! Don't run the clip!" she snapped to the screen. "It's not even funny!"

"AND, JOE, YOU'VE HURT ME MNORE THAN YOU NEED TO HURT THE CRINIMALS YOU CAPTURE!"

"Ah, you've drunk too much, Bonnie," protested Joe, going to sleep.

"Yeah, you'll feel better in the morning," yawned Peter, going to sleep as well.

That didn't make the wives fell any better. In fact, it made them extra angrier!

"Well, this is just great!" shouted Lois angrily. "We tell them our problems and they just shoot us off, like we live in the old times when men were all powerful!"

"Well, I have an idea to teach them a lesson!" Bonnie announced and she whispered it to Lois.

* * *

The next morning, Peter woke up more sober. He looked around and saw that everything was running so smoothly.

"I must run a really good ship!" he thought to himself. He got up and ran around the ship. "Lois, where are you? Lois?" He went to the Captain's room, but she was not there. Then he ran through the whole ship, but couldn't find Lois.

Then he met Quagmire. "Hey, Quagmire, have you seen Lois?"

"Yeah, she and Bonnie took a little boat trip out to sea, but they haven't come back since," he answered.

"Oh, my god!" he cried. He ran all the way back to Joe. "Joe, wake up, buddy. Our wives have ditched us!"

"Oh, my god!" Joe cried. "Where were they last seen?"

"Quagmire last saw them taking a boat trip out to sea," Peter told him.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Joe ordered. He and Peter got into another speedboat and set off for sea, leaving Quagmire in charge of the cruise.

"I rename this ship _Captain Quagmire_, the only ship that have sailed the Seven Penises and stopped the Seven Breasts from occurring! Oh, Giggity giggity goo!"

_Who else, but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire! _

_You never know what he's gonna do next! _

_He's Quagmire, Quagmire! _

_Giggity giggity goo! Let's have sex! _

_There was a very young lesbian mermaid couple sitting on a rock kissing each other. One was blonde, wearing a red bikini top and a blue mermaid tail, and the other was ginger, wearing an orange bikini top and an orange mermaid tail._

_"I'm really enjoying this time with you," smiled the blonde. "It's lucky we're both lesbians."_

_"To tell you the truth, I'm not a lesbian," sighed the ginger. That was because she was... Quagmire, who took off his ginger wig and unzipped his mermaid tail like a pair of trousers! "Giggity giggity goo!" smiled Quagmire, proud of himself._

_The blonde mermaid screamed her head off and quickly dived back into the sea._

_Who else, but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire! _

_Giggity giggity goo! _


	4. This is Atlantis?

"Oh, oh." Brian felt like he had a hangover. He tried to get up, but he couldn't. He felt like a normal dog now.

"If I feel like a normal dog, how can I still talk?" he thought to himself. Then he saw very clearly that he was lying flat above the ground, but he was hovering! And he didn't wear his aquanaut gear.

"Hey, have you just woken up?" he heard a female voice asking, quite clearly as if he wasn't underwater. He turned around to see a very tiny mermaid with black hair, a green tail and wearing a brown bikini top, who was standing next to some sort of cave.

"Excuse me, miss, but where am I?" Brian asked.

"Well, sweetie, you're on the outskirts near the Kingdom of Gathser," the mermaid told him.

"Really?"

"No! Not really!" laughed the mermaid in a voice that Brian knew very well, which got on his wick.

"What the hell are you doing? And how did you become like that?"

"Well, while we were unconsciousness, a sea witch picked us up and I don't what creatures live in the sea so I asked her to make me look like her – a sexy mermaid – and you a sea dog," Stewie answered. He got out a mirror in the shape of a shell on a handle.

"What?" Brian's "fin" took the mirror and he saw that Stewie was now telling the truth! He _was_ a sea dog. "Well, where is this sea witch you told me about?"

"Right here!" Brian was standing next to a very sexy young brown hair mermaid, with a pink bikini top and an orange tail.

"You're the Sea Witch?" he asked.

"If you mean by magic, yes, but you mean like a bitch – "

"No, I don't mean that!" protested the white sea dog.

"I'm not just a creature of magic," the Sea Witch went on, "I'm also a creature of knowledge. I know the girl you and your friend are looking for."

"Really?" Brian was surprised. "You found her?"

"And I discovered how crap her life was so I turned her into a mermaid and she went to the city of Atlantis to start a new life," she told him.

"Wait!" cried Stewie. "Atlantis is here in the Pacific? I thought it was somewhere in Europe like the paintings I see. No wonder history lies."

"If you find her, give her this jewel," she told Brian as she gave him a platinum jewel. "It's to show her she has finally found the place she belongs into."

"I don't know about that," thought Brian, "but if I find her, I will give this to her. I promise."

"Good luck!" smiled the Sea Witch. Then she vanished.

"Come on, Stewie!" ordered Brian. He swam ahead. He looked behind to see Stewie had not move. "Stewie, what's the matter?"

"It's not Stewie anymore since I'm a mermaid," protested the baby mermaid. "I'm calling myself – Oh, what's a good girl's name?"

"It doesn't matter to me!" cried an impatient Brian. "You're still the arragont baby bastard trying to take over the world! Now come on!"

"Fine!" huffed Stewie as he swam to join Brian.

* * *

Brian and Stewie swam ahead and there stood in front of them the city of Atlantis!

"_This _is the city of Atlantis?" Brian questioned. "Instead of the historical Roman or Greek culture, it looks all modern, like New York or London."

"Or Cairo," added Stewie.

"Yeah," sighed Brian, letting him have that. "But look at it. There are lights, shops, restaurants, cinemas and even public toilets!"

Then he saw sort of little piece of poop floating near him. "Stewie, where did that come from?" he asked.

"From my belly button," answered Stewie. "That's how all marine life go to the toilet."  
"Come on, let's find Meg," ordered Brian as they swam towards the city.

They swam through the city of Atlantis. Finding Meg was easier said than done because the city was not only very big but so was the population! There were millions of merfolk, not to mention crabs, dolphins, starfish and all kinds of fish.

By nightfall, Brian and Stewie had enough and they went into a bar and ordered sea whisky. "This sea whisky is really good," he said to the bartender, who was a manatee ray.

"This your first time in Atlantis?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, we're looking for a friend of ours," Brian answered. "She looks like a mermaid with brown hair."  
"You mean, that beautiful and sexy mermaid that Prince Oscar has found?"

"What?"

"Hey, Brian, check this out!" cried Stewie, swimming out of the bar. Brian, the bartender and the rest of the customers in the bar swan out to join a crowd of people outside. They saw a parade coming. First they saw dolphins blowing trumpets, followed by mean-looking sharks holding guns. Then they saw four sharks holding a golden carriage. The curtains were opened and they saw a handsome young merman with a crown on his blonde hair and a blue tail and a mermaid with brown hair and a blue tail.

"Hail, Prince Oscar and his wife-to-be Megan!" cried one fish.

"Hail!" cried the rest of the crowd.

"What?" snapped Brian. He noticed Meg's bikini top she wore on her water-skiing, but he saw the rest of the mermaid was much skinner and her face was extra sexy and so was her brown hair. "Meg's going to be a princess of the sea?"

"I know, unbelievable," agreed Stewie. "Just like how the human race came from space."

_About three thousand years ago, there was a spaceship travelling and it reached Earth._

_"Is this an ideal place to dump these idiots here?" asked the pilot._

_"Yes, dump them!" ordered the captain._

_They launched a landing pod right into Africa and then they turned around and went back the route they came._

_"It will take another ten thousand years for them to come back to our home planet," chuckled the captain._

"Stewie, we've got to stop Meg marrying that prince and get her back to human form. Come on!" ordered Brian. And he and Stewie followed the parade. They tried to climb on the golden stand, but they were pulled off by a shark and were threw straight right into two dustbins on the street.

"Great!" moaned Brian. "How the hell are we supposed to get in the palace now?"

Then Stewie looked at something. "Brian, come here and follow my lead."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, at the palace, Meg was in the most special and grandest room she had ever spent in her whole life. She had lots of books and make-up and lots of room in the room and she had lots of maids do stuff for her and more stuff she never ever had on the surface.

Then a knock came on the door. She answered it. It was one of her most-trusted maids. "Ma'am, these roses are for you from his highness Prince Oscar. He doesn't remember ordering them, but he paid for it and considers it a pre-wedding present for tomorrow."

"Thank you, Jenny," smiled Meg, as she took the flowers and shut the door. She put the flowers in the vase and turned away. Then she heard the vase fall down and broke into pieces. She turned around and saw a dogfish and a baby mermaid there.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Actually, _we're_ here to help _you_, Meg," replied the dogfish, in a voice Meg knew very well.

"Brian? Is that you? And is this Stewie?"

"Well, now I have a female body, I'm calling myself Edward," snapped the baby mermaid. "Of course, it's Stewie."

"Listen, Meg, you've got to come with us back to the surface, everyone misses you," said Brian.

"Brian, are you not as smart as I thought you were?" snapped Meg. "When I was water-skiing, no one gave me any attention, not even you!"

"Well, I was drinking..." began Brian, taking aback.

"And it's not just that one day, it was my whole life!" Now Meg was so angry she felt like an asteroid hit her. "I know for a fact that I am not Peter or Lois's daughter! They kept telling me that! They never toilet-trained me! They never taught me how to eat! They never taught me how to behave at school! I had to learn all that by myself! And every boyfriend I ever had always dumped me or got fed up with me! Well, the Prince of Atlantis found me and asked the Sea Witch to make me live in the sea and marry me, because he had a crap life like mine, too. He had to learn to fight, he had to be privately educated and he had to learn how to rule, with no times for games or friends. Well, we met each other and we see the chemistry between us and no one is going to spoil that now! Especially no one on the surface who never gave a shit about me!"

"Well, I cared about you," was all Brian could say. "But if this will give you happiness, I will leave you to live here. I will go back to _my_ crap life, too."  
"Then why don't you live here?" suggested Meg.

"Because this fish body I've got is very uncomfortable and because I always keep on trying to make my way in the world," answered Brian. "I never hide or give up. Not like you're doing."

Meg just turned away and looked at the window. _Now_ Brian felt like giving up and he began to swim out of the room.

"Oh, Brian, have you forgotten..." Stewie reminded him.

"What? Oh, yeah." Brian remembered the platinum jewel and put it on her make-up table. "Goodbye, Meg," said Brian sadly, as he swam out of the room.

"Goodbye, Brian," sighed Meg. "Goodbye, Stewie."

"Well, goodbye, you stupid, brainless, selfish –" Then he was pulled away by a dogfish's fin.

* * *

Brian and Stewie have left the city of Atlantis and swam back to the outskirts. Brian was in a very quiet mood.

"Hey, sport, you gave it your best shot, unlike George Clooney did in _Batman and Robin_," said Stewie, giving it _his_ best shot to make Brian feel better.

"Look, Stewie, I know you're trying to make me feel better, but it's not helping!" snapped Brian. "I failed! I failed to change the mind of someone I really care about! She's right. I'm not as smart as I think of myself."

"Well, in reality, no one is," said a smooth female voice. They turned to see the Sea Witch here.

"Hi, there," sighed Brian. "I did what you ask so could you please send us back to the surface?"

"Not a problem," replied the Witch.

But just as she began to say the magic words, Stewie peeked into her tight, dark, gloomy lair and saw on a sort-of screen the platinum jewel glowing bright and some dark, dirty slug-like soldiers rising from the ground. "Oh, my god!" he cried.

Brian swam in, too. "Oh, my god!"

"Oh, my goddess!" cried the Sea Witch. "My spells haven't gone crazy again, have they? Don't worry, I'll take care of it."  
"Wait a minute!" thought Brian. "It's you, isn't it? Why didn't I see this before?"  
"Because you're not as intelligent as you think you are!" chuckled the Sea Witch, as her gorgeous body turned scalier, uglier and into a sort of angler fish in a humanoid figure.

She pointed her fin to Brian and Stewie, who were sent to the wall and were tied to it by seaweed.

"Why did you send us to give that jewel in the kingdom?" Brian angrily demanded to know. "Why do you want to take over? What has Atlantis done to you?"

The Sea Witch swam to them. "Well, let me put it this way: When I was a lot younger, I would cure illnesses and diseases and make sea folk feel much happier and more alive out of the goodness of my heart. I was going to be made a Lady of Atlantis for my deeds, but, guess what? The King gave it to someone else – a female warrior who led battles against the armies of Lemuria, which is not my idea – "

"Well, I know how you feel, but – "

"Shut up!" snapped the Sea Witch, leaving her lair. "You couldn't get your friend out of her new life, you didn't notice my plan when you first was here, so you're not going to snap me out of my revenge, so do yourselves a favour and shut up!"

"Why don't you just send us back to the surface?" asked Stewie.

"Because you know about this and you'll send submarines and Navy soldiers to join the battle I'm going to begin! Bye!" And, with that, she vanished into thin air.

"Great! How the hell do we get out of here, Stewie?" sighed the dogfish.

"I don't know."

"Well, think!" snapped Brian.

"No, _you're_ the brains, _you _think!" Stewie snapped back.

"Thank you, that's a real big compliment!" Brian said sarcastically. But, secretly, he_ did _feel like he had failed. And he was beginning to give up.


	5. Wives to be rescued

Peter and Joe had been rowing their boat for quite a while. Or to be more precise, Joe has, but after five miles, Peter gave up and did nothing, but rest and drink seawater.

"You know, Peter, it's not a pretty sight that I'm doing all the work and you're sitting on your fat ass and drinking seawater for five days!" shouted Joe at the top of his lungs.

"Well, this is the sort of thing that disabled people can do, if not gym work!" protested Peter.

Then they saw a giant tidal wave coming. Peter grabbed the oars and helped Joe to go faster, but the tidal wave caught up to them in seconds!

"Oh," groaned Peter. He got up and couldn't see where he was, because his eye vision was blurry.

"Here you go, Peter," Peter heard the voice of Joe putting something on his face. He could see now with his glasses on. He could see Joe... standing up!

"Joe, how can you be standing up straight?" he asked.

"Well, Peter, that tidal wave overtook us and you were floating on the surface and I hid the rocks with my legs. Then this morning we woke up and I found that I CAN WALK AGAIN!" Joe was running wildly and happily.

"Well, where are we?"

"I'd say we're in the north region of New Zealand," Joe thought, surveying the scenery.

"You mean, where they filmed _The Lord of the Rings_?" asked Peter excitedly.

"Yeah, but don't get any ideas, Peter!" Joe ordered. "We're here to save our marriages, not go looking for movie locations."

"Are you kidding? They'll probably be making _The Hobbit_ here!"

"COME ON!"

And Peter, crying a lot, followed after him.

* * *

They rented a car. Joe was driving and Peter was suppose to be on the look-out for the wives, but he recognized where the Shire was and Morder and Helm's Deep and all those places.

They went from the North region to the South region, but had no look.

"Oh, Peter, it's hopeless!" sighed Joe, as he and Peter sat in a cafe in the town of Manapouri. "We searched everywhere and everything and asked everyone but we can't find our lost loves! And all you've done is taken pictures of the locations of _The Lord of the Rings_!"

"Hey, I've finished taking the pictures," protested Peter, looking at the pictures. "Man, I can't believe I've taken pictures of everything. Except the Dead Marshes where Frodo, Sam and Gollum travelled."  
"Wait a minute, Peter!" Joe thought for a minute. "Why couldn't I think off it before? They must be exploring in the Kepler Mire nearby."  
"You couldn't have thought of it because it's too dangerous," thought Peter.

"Come on, let's go and save Bonnie and Lois!" Joe got up and ran to the car. Peter followed. "This is going to be the bravest thing we've ever done, much better than the time I had to follow that criminal drug lord in Spain!"

_Years ago, Joe, in his wheelchair, was chasing the drug lord down the alley streets of Spain. He got him cornered, but the drug lord saw a black gate to climb up so Joe shot him in both legs._

_The criminal fell down and screaming happily. "I may have lost my legs, but I still feel alive."_

_"I envy you!" sighed Joe._

_

* * *

_

Peter was right! Lois and Bonnie were walking in the Kepler Mire.

"Ah, this may be mucky, but it smells better than cleaning my septic tank back home," giggled Lois.

"Same with mine," added Bonnie. "Why did we come here again, Lois?"

"Because here we could live here and not be taken advantage of!" Lois pointed out. "Our husbands treat us like slaves and kiss Asian prostitutes like we mean nothing. Well, I'd be very surprised if they searched the whole world for – "

Then Lois felt like she was going down. She was sinking in the marshes! She tried to stay still and calm, but all that happened was she would sink and sink and sink.

"Lois, grab my hand!" ordered Bonnie, reaching her hand. Lois tried to reach it and she caught it, but instead of Bonnie pulling her up, Lois pulled Bonnie in! Now she caught up with Lois in the sinking business.

"I'm sorry, Bonnie," sighed Lois. "Not just for pulling you in here, but the whole running away idea."  
"It was _my_ idea, Lois," Bonnie said. "But I'm beginning to regret it just like you."  
"I never thought I'd die with my best friend." The women smiled, embraced and... kissed! They all went down under the sinking mud.

But they didn't die too quickly. They were alive and they could see they were underwater and saw ghostly figures just like in _The Lord of the Rings_. They grabbed them and pulled on scary faces! Then the creatures let go and they vanished, because the wives were pulled up out of the marshes! They were put on the solid ground next to Joe in his wheelchair.

"JOE!" Bonnie ran to her crippled husband and kissed her.

Lois saw the Petercopter landing and out came -

"PETER! How did you rescue us?" asked Lois, hugging her fat husband.

Joe told the girls the story from what they did and how it was the most regretted they ever did, even more than the time they gave Captain Caveman a body shave, and how they came to New Zealand and how Joe could walk again and how they thought Lois and Bonnie came here. Then they stole an emergency truck, while the drivers were taking a coffee break, then they found their wives sinking in mud and... kissing!

"Oh, well, we saw you coming, but we thought you might be too late, so we gave each other the kiss of life," was Lois's answer to that, winking at Bonnie.

As he continued the story, Joe headed down, while Peter grabbed the strong rope and the rope of spaghetti rope. Unfortunately, Joe fell down from the hill and the rocks re-crippled him, but he crawled forward to where the girls were sinking. Peter threw the rope to them and Joe threw it to them, but the rope didn't sink. Then something metal attached to the some spaghetti rope was dropped in and picked up their wives and that was the whole story.

Then they heard a screech. They looked up in the sky to see the Marsh Rescue Guard was scouting the area with a Nazgul fell beast. "There!" he pointed.

The two husbands and wives hid under a big rock as the Rescue Guard saw the van Peter and Joe took. The beast picked it up with its claws and flew off.

"Oh, Joe, I'm sorry," sighed Bonnie. "It's my fault you got crippled again. I shouldn't have run off."

"No, it's my fault," interrupted Joe, holding her hand. "You are worth my legs."And they happily kissed again.

"I'm sorry, Lois," sighed Peter. "I get carried away."

"Well, you came for me and searched all of New Zealand for me, that's all that matters," Lois smiled, kissing him. "Maybe we should've done something like this on the day you tried to prove to daddy how much you love me."

_Years ago at the __Pewterschmidts mansion, when he asked for his approve to marry Lois, Carter stood Peter in the corner with her._

_"All right, Peter, you got to show me how much you really love Lois," he told him. "Go on, prove it!"  
Peter just kissed her on the cheek._

_"I'm not impressed!"_

_Peter gave her a quick kiss._

_"I'm not convinced!"_

_Peter gave Lois a much longer kiss on her lips.  
"Is that all you got?"_

_Peter pushed Lois to the floor and kiss her like they were having sex. Carter broke them up. "What are you trying to do, rape her?"_

_"What?" Peter was shocked._

_"Ah, I'm just kidding," chuckled Carter. "You proved your love for her. Go on and marry her!"_


	6. Saving Atlantis

Wedding bells rang and the sun shone on the city of Atlantis. The city was decorated in sea flowers and everyone was standing near the giant temple. And it went all the way to the outskirts.

"Oh, God!" sighed Brian.

"That's the twenty-eighth time you said, 'Oh, God!'," snapped Stewie. "Are we getting out of here or not?"  
"You think of a way out!" yelled Brian. "I really hate to admit it, but you're cleverer than me!"

"Say that again?" said Stewie.

"Don't push it," ordered Brian. "Just get us out of here."

"I say that compliment and I'll break us free," said Stewie.

"Why?"  
"Because that's a deal! Oh, you're so unfair!"

"All right!" Brian took a deep breath. "You're clever than I am. And stronger. And wiser. And even cleaner than I am!"  
"Oh, thank you," smiled Stewie. Then, in less than a second, the seaweed broke them free!

Brian noticed that Stewie reconnecting the hook of his necklace and putting it back on. "_That's_ how you cut the seaweed?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, we've been stuck here all night! Why couldn't you do it any sooner?"

"Because of two things," replied Stewie. "One: You said I'm cleverer and smarter than you. But two: there are two things you are and I'm not – bossy and impatient!"

"You give me one more – just one – criticism and I'll take everything I said about you back!" warned Brian. "Now come on!"

"Wow! You're more threatening than Jack Bauer scaring the terrorists!" moaned Stewie under his breath.

_There was a time when Jack Bauer was looking at a terrorist, who was tied to a chair._

_"Who are you working for?" he asked. _

_"I'm sworn to secrecy!" chuckled the terrorist. "Torture me, punch me, shoot me, you'll never know in a million years."_

_Jack slapped him in the face. "All right! All right! I work for my boss Ilk Huygen who wants to bomb New York but wants you Americans to blame it on... the French! Then my team come in, capture these 'bad guys' and save the day and your president hands over the rule of America to Serbia."  
"Chloe, did you get that?" Jack asked on his phone._

_"Sorry, Jack, that was too much to take in," answered Chloe O'Brien. "Could you start from who he works for?"  
"Don't even think about it," sniggered the terrorist._

_Jack kicked him in the balls. "All right. I work for my – "_

_

* * *

_

At the temple, Prince Oscar and the Royal Family were there as was the entire population of Atlantis. Then Princess Meg arrived with her bride maids. She joined the prince. The Temple Priest arrived at the stand

"By the power of Poseidon, we gathered today to see the future of our forgotten city in the hands of this new born-to-be King and his new Queen," he spoke out. "Now to the I-dos. Do you, Prince Oscar, take this mermaid, Megan Griffin, to be your lawful wedded wife and accept her as your new queen?"

"I do," answered Prince Oscar.

"Do you, Megan Griffin, take this merman, Prince Oscar of Atlantis, to be your husband and accept him as your king?"  
"I d – " began Meg, but the ceremony was ruined when the doors was opened by a dogfish and a baby mermaid. "Brian, what do you mean by ruining my wedding?"  
"I have to," replied Brian.

"Look, I did think about what you said, but my mind remains unchanged," said Meg. "Now let me become the new Queen of Atlantis."

"No, it's not that!" yelled Brian. "You know the Sea Witch? She's evil!"

"The kind Sea Witch who saved me from drowning from death and cured a lot of sea creatures from diseases and illnesses?" Prince Oscar was shocked, as were the audience.

The Sea Witch, in her mermaid form, swam to them.

"Oh, there you are!" she greeted Brian and Stewie. "I had to leave them at my cave because I... didn't know how long they'd take on that bathroom break."

"Is this true, Brian?" asked Meg.

"What? No! Look, she's evil! I'll prove it to you!"  
Brian swam across to the present collection. "Now what would be a good present for an evil witch to hide her evil spells?" he thought. Then he found the answer.

"Brian, why are you drinking during the ceremony? It's rude! And it's not pointing anything out!" Meg was getting very angry.

"Well, give a minute, you'll see," Brian moaned as he finished drinking the whole bottle of sea beer. After a minute, nothing happened, except a poop came out of Brian's ass. Everyone laughed.

"Guards, put him and his mermaid friend at the back of the temple," Prince Oscar ordered. The guards obeyed.

"How dare you treat a lady like this!" yelled Stewie. "You think I'm lower-class you think you can treat me like crap? I don't think your laws have ever changed."

"Now, do you, Megan Griffin, take this merman, Prince Oscar of Atlantis, to be your husband and accept him as your king?" repeated the priest.

"Yes, I do," Meg finished at last.

"By the power of Poseidon, I pronounce you Merman and Wife and I crown you both the new King and Queen of Atlantis," finished the priest, as two mermen put the crowns on Prince Oscar and Meg.

Oscar and Meg were about to kiss, when there was moaning from Brian coming from the back. "Excuse me," Meg begged to Oscar as she swam across to Brian. "Brian, this is really going too far. You'd better stop this right – "

Then she stopped to see Brian's face going green with black spots. He looked more like a toad than a dogfish now.

"Brian? What's happening?" asked Meg. All Brian could do was moan and groan. Then she realised what he said. He turned to the Sea Witch, who sighed and revealed her true evil self.

Everyone screamed and fled the temple. But they didn't get far. Some strange mud humanoid characters made sure of that, by grabbing their tails. They made them bow to the Sea Witch, who swam out of the Temple. The crowns that were on Oscar and Meg magically swam to her and landed on her head.

"Finally, at last, I am now the new queen of Atlantis!" she laughed. "You are all in my power now and your first job under my rule will be to take over all of the seas and oceans. Then we shall conquer the land and destroy its creatures and saving ourselves from the toxic dumping, their fishing and their pisses and poops! Get to it!"

The mud creatures let go of the sea creatures and they swam across to get their weapons ready.

The Sea Witch smiled as she saw everyone obeying her. Then she noticed four sea creatures she knew were not there! "HALT!" she ordered. Everyone stopped and turned to face her. "Before you do anything else, I want the Prince and his girlfriend and her dogfish and his mermaid friend found NOW!"  
Everyone spread out and started searching. The Sea Witch joined them.

* * *

But everyone was looking in the wrong place. No one suspected or even think that Meg, Brian, Stewie and Oscar were at the Sea Witch's lair.

"Meg, if there is anything that will defeat the Sea Witch, it would be here," Oscar said.

Meg put the weak Brian down near the ground and swam in the lair. Stewie stayed with him. "Don't worry, pal, I'll look after you," Stewie said. "I know a song that'll cheer you up. The Old Sea Witch had a lair, E-I-E-I-O, And in this lair, she wore a bikini, E-I-E-I-O, With a bikini there and a bikini here –

"Shut up!" Brian snapped softly.

Inside, Oscar and Meg couldn't find anything at all.

"There isn't anything, Oscar!" yelled Meg, as they carried on searching. Then they found something – the Sea Witch and her citizens!

"You're right, Meg," smiled the Sea Witch. "There is nothing that can kill me. I'm all powerful! The most powerful being in the Sea and on this planet!"

Meg couldn't believe that. She wouldn't up. Then she remembered when the Sea Witch found her and turned her into a mermaid. Then she introduced her to Prince Oscar and it only took him a second for him to ask her to marry him. And she said yes. Only now does she realise that she might have been under a spell and so was Prince Oscar. She also realised that the Sea Witch must need _her_ to take over the throne. So she had the answer: She would have to kill herself to kill the witch and free Atlantis from her spells.

She took a deep breath and faced the Sea Witch. "No, you're not!" she yelled back. She grabbed a knife and stabbed herself in the throat. She felt very weak, she felt like going to sleep forever and the last things she saw was the Sea Witch screaming, "NO..."


	7. Mission Unhappily Accomplished

Meg gasped and woke up. She felt alive somehow and felt that she was on an un-solid ground of some sort. She couldn't see anything because her eye vision was blurry.

"Oh, no!" she cried. "I'm in hell! I'm in Hell!"

"Oh, no, you're not," said a voice she recognized a lot. "You've done a very good thing that will prevent you to going to hell, if it did exist.

"Brian? Is that you?" Then she could see much better after her old glasses was put back on for her. Then her hat was put back on her head. Then she saw that she was on a beach – on Quahog beach. Then she saw Brian and Stewie next to her. "Brian! Stewie! What happened?"

"Don't you remember?" Brian asked.

"I remember water-skiing and then falling in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and drowning and that's all about it really," Meg answered. "How long have I been in the water?"

"About two hours," Brian lied. "It's a miracle how long you've been underwater and survived."

"Wow, it is a miracle. And do you know what else it shows? You say you care about me and you risking your lives for me proves it, doesn't it?" smiled Meg, hugging Brian and Stewie a lot.

"Um, yeah, it does," said Brian, grinding his teeth.

"Brian, why are you lying to her?" asked Stewie.

"Because I don't want to hurt her, so shut up before _you_ get hurt!" Brian whispered back.

"Brian? Stewie?"

"How did you get here?"

Everyone turned to see Peter and Lois walking together on the beach, kissing each other. Then they fell on the sand and started having sex!

Then there was a ship's horn blaring. They saw the _Captain Quagmire_ approaching the beach. They could see Quagmire on the deck.

"You know, your son Chris makes a crap cabin boy!" he yelled to the Griffins.

_Ever since Peter and Joe left, Quagmire asked him to be the cabin boy, but all he would do in the cabin was pee and poop._

"Here, have him back!" Quagmire shouted. Then a catapult was released and Chris was thrown off the ship and he landed on the beach... rocks! His brains fell out.

"Yay! Now I can get brand new brains, like that Mickey Mouse cartoon," cheered Chris.

"Well, everyone's here!" smiled Peter. "Come on, let's go home and watch our favourites _Quahog News, Caprica, Hawaii-O-5_ and what is the name of the cartoon with the yellow skin family in it?"

But as he, Lois, Chris and Meg walk to the car, Brian and Stewie ran to the sea and Prince Oscar shot up from the sea.

"Is she okay?" he asked.

"Yes, don't worry, I'll make sure she's okay," Brian smiled.

"I'll never find another mermaid like her in a million years," Oscar sighed sadly. "Well, five hundred years, really. That's the life expectancy of mer-folk."  
"Look, I'm sorry, but I didn't tell Meg to do this or even given her a hint, either," Brian snapped calmly and gently. "But she did it out of her own mind. And she saved you and Atlantis and the oceans from that Sea Witch, who is now dead!"

"Or should we say Dead Sea Bitch?" chuckled Stewie. He and Brian laughed at it.

Oscar just stood there silently. "I suppose that's true love for you."  
"And that it hurts," added Brian.

"Well, goodbye, Brian," Oscar said, shaking paws with Brian.

"Rule Atlantis well, Your Highness," smiled Brian.

Then the Prince of the Sea dived back in and Brian and Stewie walked to the car.

* * *

On the way back home, Stewie was using Brian's laptop, while the dog was asleep. Then he woke up and saw the baby.

"What are you doing on my laptop?" asked Brian.

"After all the adventures we had, I just had to write a story about them," the baby answered. "Who knows? I'm only one, yet I know how to read and write. I could be the youngest author ever. I'll certainly be a better author than you! You and your crap _Faster Than the Speed of Love_!"

Brian just hit him on the head which banged him into the laptop screen.

Meanwhile, Meg was just her usual gloomy self. _I _am_ grateful that Brian and Stewie came for me,_ she thought in her mind, _but I still feel useless and pathetic like I haven't done anything special that anyone will remember me by._

Well, she would be proved wrong if only she could remember Atlantis, her time as a mermaid or Prince Oscar.

* * *

Back at Atlantis, Oscar ordered a statue of Meg – her sexy mermaid form, not her hideous human form – in memory and honour of her killing the Sea Witch and saving Atlantis... and for Prince Oscar to have a boner however mermen ever get one!

Then someone bumped into him. He turned to see a sexy ginger-haired mermaid with a black bikini top and a white tail.

"Guards!" Oscar called. "Knock this statue down and remake it into this sexy thing over here – the New Queen of Atlantis!"


End file.
